


your heart is a muscle the size of your fist

by Claus_Lucas



Category: Smile For Me (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Autistic Boris Habit, Coming Out, Coping with trauma, Diary/Journal, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-26 23:44:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20398114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claus_Lucas/pseuds/Claus_Lucas
Summary: diary entries by boris habit as a child and as an adult working with kamal.





	your heart is a muscle the size of your fist

**Author's Note:**

> [playlist (in roughly chronological order from pre-game to post-game)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6mGkSLbV24tv5QgLDsYC2b)
> 
> warning for descriptions of child abuse (physical and emotional), homophobia & ableism

the doctor says i must smile more. a smile is a sign of happiness. even if i don’t feel happy, i should smile. happiness will follow. if i smile at people, they will smile back. a smile means they are happy with me.

there are things i can’t say. i write them down but papa won’t read anything i write. he says i have to learn to talk like everyone else. he says only bad kids and stupid kids have to write down what they want to say. i must be bad and stupid.

Я записываю все, что не могу сказать. сейчас его читать некому, но, может быть, когда-нибудь это будет.¹

papa never lets me use the laughing gas. he says laughing gas is for good kids and i am not a good kid. i’ve watched the laughing gas make the most frightened of kids smile. when it’s my turn i force myself to smile. tooth extraction without anesthesia is painful but i don’t want to disappoint papa so i smile. papa says i must experience the pain of having bad teeth if i’m to become a good dentist.

martha laughs at me, but at least she pays attention to me. a girl has never paid attention to me before. i know papa will be pleased so i tell him, but only the part about martha paying attention to me. he smiles. i want to make him smile more and more. at school i sit next to martha. talk to her. she laughs at me more but doesn’t make me leave. i think we are friends.

i watch the hallway. mama says i’ve been bad, and bad kids wait for their papa to get home and punish them. papa is out late again so mama leaves me watching the hallway while she goes to bed. the hallway is dark and empty, but soon papa will fill it. i watch closely.

i prepare bouquets for martha. it’s the only way papa will let me near flowers anymore. martha laughs but accepts my bouquets. sometimes she even says thank you. today she smiles real wide and says she likes me. i smile and say i like her too. then she does something i can’t explain. she puts her mouth on mine. i tell her i don’t like that. suddenly she looks scared. i’m scared too.

Я не такой, как другие дети. У меня есть странные идеи. Я не понимаю, чего от меня ожидают.²

papa throws me out. i am watching the hallway again, waiting for him. he comes home drunk. he yells at me, hits me. he says why aren’t i in bed it’s past my bedtime and only bad kids stay up past their bedtime. he says i’ll never be a good doctor if i don’t get enough sleep, i’ll never accomplish anything in fact. then he throws me out. he throws out all my notebooks and potted plants too. calls everything trash. outside is cold and dark. i bang on the door, begging to be let back in, but papa tells me to go for a walk and think about what i’ve done wrong. i stare at the street beyond our house. it’s dark and empty but there are sounds, as if something is approaching. all night, i watch the street, scared to turn my back on it.

papa says beatings are good for me. they build character. they build a man. i can build men too. they’re puppets but papa calls them dolls. he beats me for talking to them, says only girls do that. he says this beating will make me healthy again. by the time he’s done, i do feel sick.

martha won’t let me near her anymore. i prepare a special bouquet, hoping she’ll smile again. she shoves me to the floor and stomps on my flowers. the whole class watches. then she calls me a freak and a pansy. i don’t understand. i love pansies.

papa finds out about martha. the principal calls. there are rumors at school. parents are worried i’ll be a bad influence on their children. papa is furious. he cries and cries and cries. i cry too but silently. his crying is loud and violent. he breaks things. a plate hits my head. tiny pieces of white china and blood all over the floor. like scattered teeth.

во мне много людей.  
человек папа думает, что я.  
человек, который думает, что я мама.  
человек Марта думает, что я.  
но я не могу найти человека, которым я себя считаю.³

i make a new puppet. it looks like me but smaller. it can say the things i can’t. i feel like an actor, except there’s no script. the puppet says what it wants to say. i’m just its voice.

the puppet makes friends at school. more people laugh at me now, tolerate my company. it’s the puppet they want to hear speak, saying all the things we secretly feel and want to say but can’t. still, i am tolerated, and that feels nice. eventually, even martha joins in. she never looks at me, never says anything to me. she only sees the puppet.

even mama likes the puppet. it says things to her i want to but can’t. she calls the puppet good and smart. she smiles and laughs around it. one night, it even gives her a kiss on the cheek. she kisses its cheek back, tucks it into bed next to me. she does not kiss my cheek.

i start hating the puppet. we have an argument. i accuse it of stealing mama away, stealing martha away, never letting me speak. the puppet says i never speak because i have nothing worth saying. suddenly papa storms into our room and the puppet’s ripped from my hand. he’s yelling while smashing it into the wall, yelling that he warned me about playing with dolls. i want to tell him to stop, he’s hurting me. but only the puppet can and it’s ruined.

Февраль. Достать чернил и плакать!  
Писать о феврале навзрыд,  
Пока грохочущая слякоть  
Весною черною горит.⁴

i miss martha. everyone was happier when we were friends. now not even papa talks to me. he acts like i don’t exist. mama plays along so he won’t get angry and ignore her too. they still fight most days, but at least no one’s hitting me.

i tell my first lie. i have never lied before because lying is something bad kids do and i am trying to be good. but making papa happy is more important than being good, so i lie. i tell papa martha and i are friends again. i tell him she likes my flowers, thinks i’m funny. she even kissed me once. suddenly papa looks at me. he has not looked at me in weeks. he smiles for me.

papa knows i lied. he’s always known. he let me keep lying to his face, day after day, as i made up stories about martha and i. when he can’t take it anymore, he hits me, calls me a liar, a coward, a disappointment. he says i’ll never do any good on my own so he must control my life for me. i must become a dentist and fix other people’s teeth.

если я не могу быть счастливым, единственное, что я могу сделать, это попытаться сделать других счастливыми.⁵

papa makes his own puppet. i do not like this puppet. papa says we are going to have a long chat, just him, me, and that thing. this puppet is special, he says, it knows everything bad i’ve ever done. papa orders me to take the puppet and tell him everything bad i’ve ever done.

i make new puppets. lots and lots of puppets. they’re made of paper and don’t look like people of flesh and blood. that’s good because people of flesh and blood are always unhappy. these puppets will be happy. they’ll keep me company.

packing for college. i find a list titled “things that make me happy,” from years ago. i read it. i cross everything out.

* * *

the new assistant is beautiful. he calls me doctor and i blush. i blame the laughing gas for giggling around him, even when it isn’t on. the new assistant is beautiful and i want him to like me, i want to be his friend. but he’s always nervous at work and too nervous to accept my invitations to meet some other time. i will find some way of getting close to him.

for years i have fixed people’s teeth. teeth they don’t use to smile. kamal has perfect teeth. and he smiles. i see it today: when i thank him for all his hard work. like me, he wants to make people smile. there is nothing like the feeling you get when someone smiles for you. i smile for kamal and he smiles for me.

i stop by a flower shop. a young man helps me pick out a bouquet. he reminds me a little of myself when i was younger. i do not smile at this. the bouquet is for kamal. i tell him i know his name means lotus, so that’s what i got him. kamal is so overwhelmed he doesn’t know what to do. i smile gently, wrap my arms around his shoulders, and help him hold the bouquet, until he stops shaking. after i keep my hand on his shoulder. we make small talk.

только когда я искренне улыбаюсь, я понимаю, как долго я улыбаюсь для шоу.⁶

kamal agrees to see me outside of work. i say lunch but it’s more like dinner. i say casual but it’s more like formal. i wear a suit. kamal’s in scrubs. we talk work ‘til we don't. we sit opposite to each other ‘til we don’t.

kamal calls my hair beautiful. it’s the first time anyone’s called me beautiful. i know how compliments work and compliment him back, but then can’t decide what part of him to call beautiful. so i say his eyes, his hands, his smile...

kamal meets my newest puppet. it looks like me but smaller. i announce that the puppet has something important to tell him. the puppet doesn’t worry about acting odd or embarrassing. the puppet doesn’t worry about being overbearing. the puppet says everything i want to but can't. this is how i get close to kamal.

понравится ли ему эта новая сторона меня? Есть так много сторон меня беспокоиться о ...⁷

i learn about kamal. his parents came from indonesia. they want him to be a dentist but for now he's happier as an assistant. he says he does poorly under pressure and he always feels under pressure. he used to take medication for it but stopped. his parents say anxiety is a human flaw not a disorder.

kamal suggests i bring the puppet to work. the kids love it. kamal helps me record short videos of the puppet giving helpful advice for the kids to watch in the waiting room and during appointments. kids come back asking to be seen by the puppet. kamal has to move it around while i do the voice and look at the kid’s teeth.

i’m preparing for valentine’s day. this is the first time i have someone to celebrate with so i make a gift for each year i’ve missed. thirty seven valentine’s gifts. my favorite is a framed photograph of myself smiling. it’s to remind kamal i’m always smiling for him.

я думаю, что люблю его!  
я думаю, что люблю его!  
о, пожалуйста, не оставляй меня сейчас ...⁸

kamal calls me overwhelming in a good way. no one’s ever been interested in him like i am. it makes him nervous because he can’t explain it, doesn’t know what he’s doing right. i tell him not to worry. as long as we smile we’ll be happy.

the puppet asks for a kiss from kamal. nervously, kamal kisses its cheek. is it weird to want to kiss kamal’s teeth? i mean kiss his mouth. i want to kiss his mouth. our teeth will just be there, as usual.

kamal tells me he’s gay. i say i don't understand. he says he’s not interested in women, he wants to be with a man. he says he likes me. i say i like him too but not that way. kamal asks if he can kiss me. i say i need to leave now.

это что значит “любить кого-то”?⁹

kamal says he’s worried about me, about us. he can see me putting distance between us. he asks me to reconsider. he knows what i’m going through and can help. i smile politely and say i’m not like him. he asks why i write about wanting to kiss him then. he read that in my journal. mechanically, i say i must experience the pain of having bad teeth to be a good dentist.

я плохой человек за желание быть счастливым? но если это сделает его счастливым ...¹⁰

i let kamal put his mouth on mine. i don’t move. i don’t kiss back. but i like it. i will have to try harder next time.

kamal likes lying on me. his head on my chest, his arms around my neck. i worry i’ll hold him too tight and accidentally hurt him. he says he worries he won't hold me tight enough and accidentally hurt me.

kamal says this is fine for now, but what about later? the world is full of unhappy people with unhappy frowns. i must protect kamal’s beautiful smile.

i tell kamal about myself. my parents came from russia. my name is russian, it means fighter. my father wanted me to be a fighter. he settled for me being a dentist. but even as a dentist i am a fighter. i am fighting unhappiness and frowns. i will make the whole world happy and smiling someday. that i promise, with kamal as my witness.

**Author's Note:**

> ¹i write down everything i can’t say. for now there’s no one to read it but maybe someday there will be.
> 
> ²i’m not like other kids. i have weird ideas. i don’t understand what’s expected of me.
> 
> ³there are lots of people inside of me.  
the person papa thinks i am.  
the person mama thinks i am.  
the person martha thinks i am.  
but i can’t find the person i think i am.
> 
> ⁴(from the poem “february” by boris pasternak. english translation by a. z. foreman.)  
february. get ink. weep!  
write the heart out about it. sing  
another song of february  
while raucous slush burns black with spring.
> 
> ⁵if i can’t be happy, the only thing i can do is try to make others happy.
> 
> ⁶only when i smile earnestly do i realize how long i've been smiling for show.
> 
> ⁷will he like this new side of me? there are so many sides of me to worry about...
> 
> ⁸i think i love him!  
i think i love him!  
oh please don’t leave me now...
> 
> ⁹is this what “to love somebody” means?
> 
> ¹⁰am i a bad person for wanting to be happy? but if it’s to make him happy...


End file.
